A February of kindness and joy. Day 4: Fear against Love

"I discovered that it was fear that was creating my "victim mentality" and negative attitude. It was stopping me from taking responsibility for my experience of life. It was also fear that was keeping me from being a truly love person"
Susan Jeffers.

I work as a nanny. I look after a gorgeous boy, whose age is 9. He is such a good toddler, well educated and very polite. And so, since I started looking after him I found very easy to get along with him. I could define our relationship as "the totally absence of troubles". It sounds nice, doesn´t it? :)

But even everything was fine with us, I did not know sometimes how to face some sort of situations. And so, I expected him come to me if he needed something to sort it out instantly  I used to think "I do not want to put pressure on him, he needs time to get to know me". So that, my role in our relationship it could be described as a "passive one". Always for his own good, of course! The last thing I wanted is "to bother him".

As the days went on, we felt more comfortable with each other, but still I found difficult to get closer to him and I wondered why if I was fine and so he did, we couldn't get the intimacy of a deeper friendship.
I tried many times to begin a  "more than 5 minutes" conversation to show him that I was interested in him, but it did not work that well. He answered shortly, and unconsciously I let it go as I understood that it was just a matter of time. Or maybe.. he was shy, or very busy doing his homework, or he missed his parents, or..

But yesterday I behaved differently. I came into his room, his "safe space", without fear of him to feel "invaded" my "fearful presence" and I started to make jokes and tried to make him laugh. And frankly, it worked so well.

After some healthy giggles, I remembered the fantastic week we spent together before Christmas! I remembered his happy face on Winter Wonderland, and also his big jumps around the Serpertine.
And I realised that there was only one barrier: The barrier of fear. That "passive role" I mentioned  I was taking was just a way of hiding my own. Because he only needs love, care,  and someone who takes and ACTIVE role in order to built the intimacy of a sane and fruitful relationship.

But wait a moment.. I had fears of.. what? What do they come from? Why should I feel fear staying with a 9 years old boy?. That sounds ridiculous! And it is. But that was happening!

The answer is very simple but quite hard to accept consciously. I feared him not to like me as a consequence of useless thoughts like "I do not want him to feel uncomfortable with my presence", "He may feel bad because sometimes I do not understand his british accent, or even sometimes he doesn't understand mine" or "I cannot give him as much love as his parents do, I am not good enough to fill his lack of love" and so on. 

So my "passive role", apparently the best think I could do for him, was indeed the best thing I did for me, to avoid not to face what was actually going on within me. I did not worth myself enough. I considered myself as a "fearful presence" for him, instead of looking at all the opportunities I had to put in practise my love for him. Each moment I let it go, it was a wasted one.

And then I also realised how those fears affect me in order to create deeply love and kind relationships with other people who are already are in my life or will be. Either to establish sane romantic relationships or any other kind of truly and uplifting connection.

Fears are always related to lack of self-esteem, which I would say, it is also a lack of self-kindness. And this is the first thing I must admit to step out of their "unconscious jail".   And still, after years knowing it on theory, I still keep failing sometimes the practice! But you know what? I will never give up! Beause.. that would mean.. to give up on feeling love :)

"I feel fear, and I do it anyway". And so, I truly love. 

Taking an active role in our relationships means to truly love that person!

Waiting to show that love can be risky..

So take over your fears and go ahead to show them how much you care!

Kindness and joy are an ACTIVE ATTITUDE!

:)

The fifth day is already here!!