¿De qué sirven las palabras?

¿De qué sirven las palabras?
Si no hay hechos, si no hay nada, si no recibo el calor que esconde tu mirada..
¿De qué sirven las palabras?
Si no de desaliento, más intenso cada vez tras cada encuentro..
¿De qué sirven las palabras?
Si al mirarte no me salen y me siento encadenada..
¿De qué sirven las palabras?
Si no para el habla, puramente charlatana..
¿De qué sirven las palabras?
Si no para hilarlas, y despojar las heridas de lo más profundo de mi alma..
¿De qué sirven las palabras?
Si no llegan, si no empujan si no calan.
¿De qué sirven las palabras?
 Las palabras. Mis palabras. Tus palabras. Las palabras. Las palabras. Las palabras.
¿De qué sirven las palabras?
Si no llenan, si no empujan si no calan.  Palabras. Palabras. Palabras.

 Palabras. Palabras. Palabras.

¿De qué sirven las palabras?
Si ando desconectada.

Las palabras no me sirven, yo las sirvo a ellas.

Tv show

The night comes and the tv lights up the room. 

And it is right now when I become aware of the darkness within my skin. I even feel it in my stomach.. in my eyes.. in my entire life.  I am surrounded by ego-players and separatness, no matter where I go, I can feel their presence all around. There is not exit out. The tv show always stays on. Darkness is everywhere.

Does that it belong to me?

And while I wonder.. the darkness keeps playing.

It comes and goes among the parties. Separate bodies fight to win. I sense the energy floating around and the superficiality within them. "It could be that easy to transform it.." I say to myself with despair..

Does it belong to me?!!

Then I turn my face and see a new ray of light coming from outside of what apparently it was a locked room. I follow it and it distracts my look from the original show. 

The hugeness of the universe quietly has appeared in scene, to calm me down.

"I adore you" it says, and I suddenly feel safe. "Just be.. just observe..just adore..", it keeps saying, so I gratefully remember myself. 

Contemplating this source of energy.. I think of how wonderful my life turns out when masks are uncovered.  When the characters I have played along during the tv show come outside their jail. 

Beautiful nakedness.

I have filled up myself with knowledge (from any source) most of my life, believing it would improve who once I though I had to be, but actually.. by doing that, I have been running away from my esence, my sensibility, my innate beauty.

Knowledge becomes beliefs, which can play many tv funny shows. "I feel clever because I know, because I have studied, because I have read, because I have seen.."But they also take away the power of experiencing, the power of simply being, the power of humaness. I could keep writing, reading, seeing.. forever. And I could explain all my theories and discuss them among friends.. but if I don't go out there and live, I will never experience what all I think  I know it is really about. I will be playing a role, trying to solve what it can not be solved within the blind happiness of a tv show .

So, what are the ego-parties discussing about? What is really that tv show about? They invent discussions to keep themselves entertained, uncounciously they are keeping their faces looking straight and far away from the lights which are coming from outside their room.

I suffer the darkness of awareness. So yes, it does belong to me. But, it does not define me. It is just a script it once was  written by someone I defined as myself. And for some reason, and so far, that script and others players script I keep tripping on, seem to me now meanliness and ridiculous, and they still sometimes hurt so much.  

I let the darkness be though, because it does not control me anymore. I conciously choose the nakedness of my soul. 

:)

A February of Joy and Kindness. Day 6: Hapiness is only real when shared

Last night I couldn´t sleep well. I spent the whole night rolling around in my bed sheets due to the two cups of coffee I have had and also because of my stomach ache, a very sensitive organ where all my feelings pass through.. which was telling me.. Wait a bit..Laura! Something is going on in here! Listen to it!

I spent the day on my own.. I hardly see anyone (I worked but the kid arrived late with the mum..).
On my way to my job, I felt pretty happy though. I was singing and enjoying my self while walking. I started singing underneath my scarf.. but soon I got confidence and I did out loud as no one was looking at me..! And when they did.. I even increased my voice! haha! cool!
But my way back home was very different. After three hours working alone.. without speaking with anyone (just preparing dinner and reading in between the book "how finding your passion change your life " by Ken Robinson ) I started thinking about was going on in my belly the night before, when I was lying on bed.

"What I am doing?
What I really want to do?
Do I feel that I am loved?
What is it my gift? How would I give it away?"

The more dark it was becoming outside.. the more dark I was felling inside. Then.. I saw myself on my way back almost desperate to connect with someone, to share with someone.. to sing out loud with someone..

Those crucial questions shape my life.. but.. the abuse of something has the opposite effect.. and does not heal at all, but indeed, gets myself a stomach ache..

I just really wanted to do something with someone..
I just really wanted to feel that I am loved by someone..
I just really wanted to shared my gift with someone..
I just wanted to sing out loud with someone..

Because Happiness is only real when shared.
And Kindness.
And Joy.
And that is the response of all questions I could ever have.

:)

Today It is my 7th day! wooow! I love this!

A February of kindness and Joy. Day 5: Living in the moment

I do not remember many details from yesterday. But I have taken something really relevant from it. If I am not here consciously, I look but I do not see. I react but I do not feel. I am polite but I do not give my gift away.

Living in the present, can happen very easily, but it can be also forgotten in the blink of an eye.
Is it worthy to pay attention then?

I realised that there are two main paths which I can walk through. The "present paths" and the "automatic paths".

Two paths, two choices.

If I take the "automatic paths", the ones which I am use to walking along, my brain is very thankful because he is working with less effort and so, it takes me to my job place quickly, easily and without thinking too much by leading myself to the same routes everyday.
 These paths let me be polite and smile at the bus driver, but do not allow my eyes connect with him.They are survival paths.

On the other hand, taking the present paths, as wisely Thich Nhat Hanh said, is the same as tasting and savouring a cup of tea: “Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the world earth revolves - slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future.” 

I have to practise to do it, but once I have experienced it, I would never get back to be the "Super-efficient human engine", although it sounds suuper cool, doesn´t it? haha!

I still using both, but.. OMG! How wonderful is when I go for the tea, for the sound, for the now..

Arrg.. "The now".

A place where the magic rivers of creativity, kindness and joy all end in the same sea, and my life becomes an endless paradise of chances as I am dipping into it..

I am ready for the 6th day! :)

A February of kindness and joy. Day 4: Fear against Love

"I discovered that it was fear that was creating my "victim mentality" and negative attitude. It was stopping me from taking responsibility for my experience of life. It was also fear that was keeping me from being a truly love person"
Susan Jeffers.

I work as a nanny. I look after a gorgeous boy, whose age is 9. He is such a good toddler, well educated and very polite. And so, since I started looking after him I found very easy to get along with him. I could define our relationship as "the totally absence of troubles". It sounds nice, doesn´t it? :)

But even everything was fine with us, I did not know sometimes how to face some sort of situations. And so, I expected him come to me if he needed something to sort it out instantly  I used to think "I do not want to put pressure on him, he needs time to get to know me". So that, my role in our relationship it could be described as a "passive one". Always for his own good, of course! The last thing I wanted is "to bother him".

As the days went on, we felt more comfortable with each other, but still I found difficult to get closer to him and I wondered why if I was fine and so he did, we couldn't get the intimacy of a deeper friendship.
I tried many times to begin a  "more than 5 minutes" conversation to show him that I was interested in him, but it did not work that well. He answered shortly, and unconsciously I let it go as I understood that it was just a matter of time. Or maybe.. he was shy, or very busy doing his homework, or he missed his parents, or..

But yesterday I behaved differently. I came into his room, his "safe space", without fear of him to feel "invaded" my "fearful presence" and I started to make jokes and tried to make him laugh. And frankly, it worked so well.

After some healthy giggles, I remembered the fantastic week we spent together before Christmas! I remembered his happy face on Winter Wonderland, and also his big jumps around the Serpertine.
And I realised that there was only one barrier: The barrier of fear. That "passive role" I mentioned  I was taking was just a way of hiding my own. Because he only needs love, care,  and someone who takes and ACTIVE role in order to built the intimacy of a sane and fruitful relationship.

But wait a moment.. I had fears of.. what? What do they come from? Why should I feel fear staying with a 9 years old boy?. That sounds ridiculous! And it is. But that was happening!

The answer is very simple but quite hard to accept consciously. I feared him not to like me as a consequence of useless thoughts like "I do not want him to feel uncomfortable with my presence", "He may feel bad because sometimes I do not understand his british accent, or even sometimes he doesn't understand mine" or "I cannot give him as much love as his parents do, I am not good enough to fill his lack of love" and so on. 

So my "passive role", apparently the best think I could do for him, was indeed the best thing I did for me, to avoid not to face what was actually going on within me. I did not worth myself enough. I considered myself as a "fearful presence" for him, instead of looking at all the opportunities I had to put in practise my love for him. Each moment I let it go, it was a wasted one.

And then I also realised how those fears affect me in order to create deeply love and kind relationships with other people who are already are in my life or will be. Either to establish sane romantic relationships or any other kind of truly and uplifting connection.

Fears are always related to lack of self-esteem, which I would say, it is also a lack of self-kindness. And this is the first thing I must admit to step out of their "unconscious jail".   And still, after years knowing it on theory, I still keep failing sometimes the practice! But you know what? I will never give up! Beause.. that would mean.. to give up on feeling love :)

"I feel fear, and I do it anyway". And so, I truly love. 

Taking an active role in our relationships means to truly love that person!

Waiting to show that love can be risky..

So take over your fears and go ahead to show them how much you care!

Kindness and joy are an ACTIVE ATTITUDE!

:)

The fifth day is already here!! 

A February of kindness and joy. Day 3: The gift of patience

Anne is at home. After almost two months in Ireland, she is back. As usual, she popped in without no one expect her to come, carrying millions of bags on her own (regardless to her old age) wearing a fake feather coat and with Kerry´s company, her guardian angel fox dog, who by the way, had lost his front teeth few days before.

As soon as I heard the door, I smiled and went to welcome her with a cuddly hug. She was here. The woman who drew a new and beautiful path for me in this huge city was back. How thankful I was. How wonderful she was.

In the afternoon I came along with my room mate to get her a new piercing. "Im so exited! And I cannot hide it! I'm getting a piercing, and I think I like it". We were singing along the hall and about to get the lift, when suddenly I looked straight and I saw Andrea door. "Let´s knock on his door" I said to her. And so we did.
Andrea is and old disabled man who lives next door, and we sometimes go over to visit him.
"How are you today Andrea?" We asked. "Now you are here, I am very good! Please come in and take a sit".
We had a nice chat for a long time. He told us about his family, about his feeling as a disable man, and about many past stories he had lived. I had never seen before his eyes shining that way.
"OMG, It is ten to four, I´m so exited, and I cannot hide it!" said my room mate. We hadn't realised about time as we had been really into Andrea stories.. but we got an appointment to attend!, and we "cannot hide it"! And right in that moment, her nurse came into the flat and we left.
I felt really well afterward. Andrea´s shiny eyes were the best gift I could never have from him. And I remembered the difference from the others times I had passed by. This time I had had the patience to listen to him carefully without any distraction, and so, a strong connection between us has been flourished.
I couldn't see my own eyes, but I guess they were as shiny as his.

And then, Jill, my room mate, got her new piercing. And we got exited! and we could not hide it! :)
We met such a nice guys in the tattoo store. And after a little chat the tattooer told me that he was living with a guy from Benidorm! (My city in Spain!) and.. I got exited! and I could not hide! I was meeting a new friend! and I think I liked him!

Once we had finished we did our way to Iranian´s friend flat and we learnt how they have Iranian tea. Basically, they put a sugar cube in their mouth and then they have little sips so the sugar melts inside. So cool!! But I would recommend not to try it if you are speaking or laughing, otherwise.. you will end up spilling everything out of your mouth! (I checked it out already!) haha!

Later in the evening, Anne asked me to give her a computer lesson, and suddenly, a phrase from my friend from downstairs came to my mind. "Sometimes people give up. Imagine that you have a son, and he does something wrong. You as a mum forgive him. But he does it again. And then again, and again and so on. How would you feel? Would you trust him again?. There is a limit in human patience. But every baby is pure and naive when is born. The environment push them to the wrong path.". 
He was right. I have given up many times myself because of my lack of patience. But as we concluded later on, we can cultivate our patience and obtain what I call "The gift of patience". And endless faith for human being capacity.
I sat down with Anne next to me, and after many tries I finally got her to use the mouse, to open her own windows and even to surface through her favourites sites, as "The daily telegraph" of "Vogue magazine". She also looked up herself images of famous woman of the 50´s and 60´s as Twiggy, Elisabeth Taylor or Marilyn Monroe.  She was really enthusiastic telling me stories about them. And so was I while listening to her and admiring how well she was managing my lap top. And then, the memory of my grandmother appeared in my mind, and a sweet wave of nostalgic came over me. "It has been a very nice day" I thought. And with all my gifts which came from patience, I got happy into bed.

:)

 Let´s go for the 4th day!

A February of kindness and joy. Day 2: The shop assistant

Being kind does not imply to pretend to be who I am not.
Being nice it does not mean that I have to satisfy every person I meet.
Being kind is also be in harmony with the Self and so, listening to my body and its claim.

Yesterday, early in the morning I went shopping down my house. The shop assistant is a nice guy who I have established a good relationship with, after a couple of months living here. But yesterday, he started to speak more than usual and I stood there and listened to him carefully, as he was talking about God, beliefs, and human beings.

"We have to be nice with people but just because we feel like, not to show off others that we are doing well"
"If we spoke with each others, if we listened to each others, there would be no problems in the world."
"There are nice people, and also, there are "automatic people" who act like machines, they don´t live in the present"
"I have two options, trying to connect with people and enjoy with each person in the store, or making my life painful and non-sense. I choose to be alive."
"If you smile, the smile will be back to you, you will feel happy, you will feel a human being"
Those were some of the wise words he was saying.

Pretending to be kind, although kindness is a good thing, it simply does not work. What does work instead, it is directness. It is to communicate what I need or feel although other people might not like it. And, as long as I am being sincere and using the correct words to explain how I feel, I am are also being kind, with them, and with myself.

I put into practise that directness consciously during the rest of the day. And I found that it is more difficult to speak directly but it is also more courageous and respectful of myself.
And so, as my friend downstairs says, I smile, and that smile comes back to me, and I feel happy, and I feel like a human being.

Let´s go for the third day then!

:)

A February of kindness and joy. Day 1: Go with the flow!

And so.. my first day of conscious kindness and joy has ended!

I have discovered that there´s a point, after putting some effort avoiding my self-doubt and other negative thoughts (those ones which criticize myself and make me feel shamed) that I just forget that they exist. I just let them go and I go with the flow.

I also found out two beautiful souls yesterday. Although I must say I know them before, yesterday they shone differently, specially charmy. Yesterday I realised that those feelings and thoughts that I had before about them, were pure words of useless judgement, regardless to my personal rule: "Don´t criticise". And I thought I never did. But sometimes a critique does not have to be "a bad word", but also "a try to figure out why they act the way the are". If I really want to know something it is simpler and easier to ask them and show interest. If not, it is pure gossip. And so, perhaps the one who is not shining it is me.

I ended up my day with a sweet dance, which I really enjoyed by letting my body speak for me. There were no thoughts. There were no fears. It was me. It was the dancer. It was the flow. It was life.

Let´s go for the 2nd day then!

:)

A February of kindness and joy

"Love is not to be found someone else, but in ourselves; we simply awaken it, but in order to do that, we need the other person. The universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with"
Paulo Coelho.

Last night, I made a deal with two friends: "30 days spreading kindness and joy."
The plan is very simple, it consists on incorporating joy and kindness in all the daily acts we live, either with other people, or with ourselves.
It can happen while doing simple actions as melting the butter on our morning toast or smiling each person who we cross our glances with on the street.

Besides, we are going to put down the feelings we will be getting from these days, so that, we will be able to share our "kindness and joy trip" and the end of the experience.

Although I assure that  rather than an end, this trip will become the start of a magic path!

I encourage you to join our deal and tell it to others! I really believe that kindness and joy can be learnt and practised in order to make our brains walk through the light of their guide!

Shall we start then?

:)

My friends

Sitting on the balcony, it seems to me, there is no much to do.
Sitting on my knees I look up and glimpse the lit sky.
I wonder what is the next.
I wonder if I am here for the best.
I wonder why I wonder, as this is a circle with no end.

Sometimes I am extremely confused,
and other times I find easily the beauty of the unify.

Sitting on the balcony the doorway for heaven is being opened,
although there´s just cement underneath.

Joy come, I pray, although I know it is time to wait.
Time to wait for what it is indeed, already here.

I smell the sun. I feel the soil. I embrace the air. I touch the sky.
And as the rainbow, they bring me hope, they care of me of not to feel alone.

Sitting on the balcony. It is seems there is not much to do.
In fact, there is not much to do, but staying here, close to my friends.

Times for reflection. Times for praying. Times for expanding the self.

 :)

A cup of tea

I fear of you coming in.
I fear of you not coming in.
There´s pain on my stomach and still place for one more tea.

Resilience as a strength, neither too strong, nor too weak.
Like the tea.

Connection is the reason. Quick reaction is the nightmare.

I feel separated although I long for that thread.

I fear of you coming in.
I fear of you not coming in.
What should I do in between?

I just want to be on my own and so, you scare me.
But scarcity is illusory so please, take me out of this.
So please, relive the consciousness within me.

I really wish a cup of tea.

Tonight

The clouds are on their place.

I'm sitting on my couch. The window is a bit open, so I can feel the snow breeze on my face.

The clouds are on their place.

The atmosphere is that quiet that I can feel the peace on my face.

The clouds are on their place.

And are also moving away, but still I can feel what there is within the space.

The clouds are on their place.

Everything is running and nothing can stop my delight.

The clouds are on their place.

My body sketchs such a smile.

And it is not just a smile, but the perfect smile, tonight. 

Night! night! 

:)

Mirror

It is when I feel your smile that I feel like changing my feature expressions.

It is when I feel you feel loved and cared that I feel the gorgeous beating of my healthy heart.

It is when I feel how you come up to me and ask for advice that I feel your wisdom also applies me.

It is when I feel you are in calm while sitting together that I feel I have peace and serenity within me.

It is when I feel you enjoy my hugs that I feel the gift of holding each other.
It is when I feel your excitement when we spend time together that I feel the pores of my skin become alive.

It is when I feel your sparkling eyes that I feel the magic of the thread of connection.

And it is when we are connected that I feel I am a beautiful being. (As much as you are..)

We are all beautiful beings from the moment we are born. And it is so important to appreciate it, as it is the way to connect with ourselves and the rest of the beings from the Earth. Thanks to that connection we are able to feel that we are loved and belong to them. If you want to reengage with that feeling of connection, take the time to look close and deeply into her eyes for a couple of minutes, letting your heart guide your feelings and sensations. And as a mirror, you will feel that the beauty on her eyes it will be reflected back upon you. You are she. She is you. Enjoy.

From the beautiful land of London! Have a beautiful and connected day!

:)

One day

One day I will be a mum. And when that day arrives I would love to be ready. I would love to bring the best that I have within me out. I would love to give my kids all the presents they can receive. But, in the mid time, I ask myself how I will get there. What I need, what are my priorities in life. What life means itself and what is the real meaning of having a child.

Looking around I have seen many relationships between a mum and her child during my own live. I must say that some of them have let a mark inside me because of the beauty they spread all over around. I have been able to feel the real connection between them. That kind of connection that I dream to create with everybody else. I have been able to feel the positive energy, the care, the compassion, the empathy, definitely, the love between the two of them.

Somehow some people know naturally how love can be the most grateful experience we can live. Those people have a powerful wisdom within themselves.  They act directly from their heart, leaving the mind on the side, letting their intuition and kindness be. They teach their kids unconsciously an important  and beautiful lesson: "Following your heart your life will be plenty of gorgeous experiences which fill you and others that surrounds you up every single moment. Following your heart you will become alive."
I wonder why I have lost that for a while. I wonder why my goals were once "having a good degree" , "finding a job related to it" "going on holidays" or "having the new model of a 3G mobile". I wonder why I forgot why I was here in this amazing planet and I didn´t spread as much love as I have as a priority in my daily life.

One day, I will be a mum and when this happen I would love to return to my nature. I would love to value time instead of money, people instead of staff, environment instead of clothes, beauty instead of make up, kindness instead of self- centred or disconnection, giggles instead of fears, learnings instead of beliefs, self esteem instead of drugs or alcohol, food instead of electronic devices..

One day, I will be a mum and so, the only thing I would love to do is loving myself as much as I love you.

Have a one more, nice day.

PD. Someone like you.